19

Just a quick heads up, this post is for my best friend on her birthday! You are welcome to  keep reading though. 🙂

19.

Wow!

19 years ago one of the best people I have ever met in my entire life was born.

Her parents named her Liliana, I just call her Lily for short and just like the flowers, she’s beautiful. She is my best friend and has been since 7th grade. There is not a day that goes by that I don’t thank God for putting her in my life when He did. I like to say we needed each other and that’s the reason we met. I was so right. We met in Mrs. Wright’s 7th grade english class. It was maybe her first or second day and some asshats were making fun of her. She ran out the class and I ran after her and from that day on we were inseparable. Even when we fell off a little we always found our way back and I’m so grateful for that. I don’t even know why I ran after her that day but I’m really happy I did. She always has my back and is always there when I need to cry or rant or laugh or kill someone. Anyways I am so lucky to be able to call her my best friend. And I feel like sometimes she doesn’t know how much she has saved me. She has always come to my rescue right when I needed someone. She is without a doubt my person in this life.

“I don’t have to say a word. She just looks at me and sees who I am and how I feel and accepts it. She doesn’t try to change it or wants to change it. That person. There’s a billion people but I imagine there’s only one of her.”  -Grey’s Anatomy

This past summer she lived with me and she was by far my favorite house guest. It was the best summer ever! I absolutely loved having her company. I am the only child and so having someone around all the time was amazing. It was like a sleepover every night.

Lily, I am pretty sure you are reading this right now, crying. But I just wanted you to know how much you mean to me and how much you have impacted my life. Thank you for being your amazing self and for being my person. I can’t thank you enough for that. Happy Birthday! I love you! Remember to be happy, crazy girl.

With all my love,

Zaria:)

 

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random stuff

This is going to be very random but bare with me, I have a lot of thoughts.

It’s been 5 days since I’ve been off of social media and I am actually really proud of myself. I’ve been doing good. I don’t even have urges to click on the apps anymore. I think everyone should take a break from social media because it really helps you to think for yourself. When you are on social media you are seeing all these opinions from everyone and internalizing them. You are making them apart of your thinking and then it isn’t your opinion anymore. I like that I know what I want and what I think without having the opinions of others swaying my thinking.

One thing I am happy about is that hopefully by the time I get back on my socials that the Trump crap will be toned down. I picked the right week to do this. I am feeling a little better about the election today. I don’t like it but there is nothing I can do now. What is done, is done. The only thing I can do now is pray our country doesn’t have a complete divide. I am not too fond of those of you that support Trump but I do not hate you. I am not a hateful person. I just feel like your decision wasn’t very well thought out. Maybe he has good policies but we don’t know what he is going to do. He never talked about what he was going to do as a president to make this nation thrive. I’m not going to lie, I don’t really keep up with politics but I know what he says and I can guarantee I do not agree with it.

I will always fight for those of you who cannot, including myself. I will fight for Hispanics, and Muslims, and the LGBTQ community, and for women, everywhere. I was talking to a couple friends in a group chat and one of my friends said she was in her anthropology class and her professor wanted to talk about the election. A girl of Indian decent started talking about how she was commuting to school and someone pointed at her, in the train station, in front of the public and said “deport that bitch”. Donald Trump has opened up a door for racist people to be say and do whatever they want regardless of people’s feelings. Why would you ever say that to anyone. I do not understand how you could be so disgusting as to say that to someone’s face. If you think that, great, keep it to yourself or talk about it with your friends but for Christ sakes DO NOT ever say rude things like that to people’s faces. Everyone in this country should be able to live and be free. Isn’t that the American dream? I just don’t understand how people can be so horrible.

I know there is still racism in this country, I know that we do not live in a post racial society. If you honestly believe that, then I need you to go ahead and put on your glasses now because this country is about to experience a great divide. He is saying he wants people to be united and live together but he doesn’t mean it. The things he says say otherwise. Women for Trump, Muslims for Trump, Hispanics for Trump, are some of the most uneducated people. I don’t want to talk about this anymore. It just doesn’t make sense to me.

I am nearing the end of my first semester and this guy told me yesterday that I should not be so stressed out about school because I’ve only taken 5 classes and I’m only one semester in. WHAT???? What does that even mean, that just because I haven’t been here that long, the work isn’t hard. No, I haven’t started my major classes, but it is still hard. I told him that we are both in college and that just because I’m a freshman doesn’t mean I am taking any of this loosely. I am working just as hard as you, if not harder.

Freshman 15 is real; it is so real. I am currently at 10 pounds of that freshman 15 and somethings got to give. I need to start working out but it’s just so much easier to take a nap every once in a while, eat, and do homework. I figure, as long as I’m doing homework I’m doing a great job. This isn’t the case. I need to get it together and I will. I am going to speak it into existence now, I will start working out. That is all for today. Remember to be happy.

Zaria 🙂

Scared.

I am scared. I really don’t understand how I live in a country that has so many hateful people. A country that believes a racist and sexist man can be our president. A country that believes his ‘policies’ are better than the words that come out of his mouth. I just don’t understand this and I’m disappointed. I really don’t have many words because I’m speechless.

I called my mom this morning and the words “be careful” came out of her mouth.

I live in America in 2016 and I have to be careful. I shouldn’t have to be careful. I want to have children, but I don’t even want to bring children into this world knowing that people are so hateful. People are terrible to vote him into office. The people who he hates that voted him into office are just as bad as the people who he doesn’t hate that voted for him. I am really happy that I am not on social media this week because I don’t even want to hear anything about it. I have so many questions in my head, starting with how could anyone let this get so far? Why are people so blind to his words? They know he’s saying these really hurtful things and still, they continue to support him.

I just don’t understand. That is all for now. Remember to be happy.

Zaria:)

day 3ish

This is the 3rd day of my week without social media. It is so weird. I will say that I click on the app and then realize I’m not logged in and just click off. It really isn’t that bad. I think I could do it again if I wanted to. I am really seeing how much I take having social media for granted. Like I rely on it in so many situations, from when I want to avoid socializing or when I simply want to share a quick thought to Twitter. I also feel a little disconnected from people I wouldn’t normally be. I feel like I spend too much time on snapchat in everyones life. I like laying low and worrying about myself. My phone died on my way back to my dorm and I’m sitting in my room and have been for about 20 minutes and I don’t even feel like charging it. There really isn’t any point and I like that. I like that I’m not relying on it. I feel a of sense of relaxation. Wanted to keep you guys updated on how I was doing. That is all for now. Remember to be happy.

Zaria 🙂

What it’s like to be the black girl who is always called white

“you’re so white!”

yeah, you’re black but I mean come on, you’re white”

“you talk so white”

“why do you talk white? try talking like this”

“you talk very proper, like a white girl”

White.

What the hell is that?

I know it’s a race but how can someone act a race, or talk a color. I just don’t get it. I grew up in a part of Georgia where it is predominately white and because I wasn’t too fond of hanging with the black kids, I hung out with the white kids. This has nothing to do with how I was raised and has everything to do with how they were raised. Most black people are raised on soul food and cuss words. I too, was raised on soul food not so much the cuss words but you get the point. I was raised to be polite, to carry myself with respect, and to mind my manners. I’m not saying all black people grow up in bad neighborhoods and aren’t taught to be polite but thats the way they were acting. They were really mean and they all got off on ‘roasting’ each other. I am not about that. If I’m going to have friends I want them to respect me and be nice. The white people did this. So I continued to hang out with them. I really saw no problem with this.

In my eyes, they were my friends. They weren’t my white friends or anything like that. I had many different friends growing up though, they weren’t all white. I had a few black friends, a few hispanic friends, and even a friend from Kosova.

I do talk very proper and that is because of where I grew up. It has nothing to do with the color of my skin. I am really sick of people saying I talk white, like white people are the only people who can have proper english. That is not true! I know many black people who speak the way I do. Why would I want to sound uneducated when I am? When you speak like you don’t know how to people do not respect you as much as if you just spoke proper. That is my main reason for speaking proper.

“you’re black, but you’re white.”

That right there really makes me so mad. I am black. I am just as black as any other black person. I am not white nor do I really want to be white. I love being black. The crazy thing about this statement is that it has come from many of my best friends, of all races. I do a lot of things that white people do, but that doesn’t make me white. When they say this is makes me feel like my blackness isn’t even there. Like it doesn’t even matter that the color of my skin is black, or that to any racist person, I’m still back, or that my ancestors worked out in the cotton fields. I’m sure that isn’t what they mean but I don’t go around calling them races they aren’t. They wouldn’t like that very much.

When I was growing up, people would joke about black people and stuff and I didn’t laugh but I didn’t make it known that that wasn’t okay. I didn’t let them know that making fun of them is indirectly making fun of me. They weren’t being racist, they were just generalizing all black people and then they would say “but not you Zaria, don’t worry” Well why shouldn’t I worry. Why should I not take offense to this just because you tell me not to.

Now this is not to knock white people. I absolutely love white people and for a really long time I didn’t see race. I didn’t see that I was different because we are all people.  But when I was younger I distinctly remember me saying that I wish I wasn’t any race. Now I just want to be black. I want to be black, and educated, and proper,and respected. I know that I can be all these things but I want to be all of them without the opinions of others.

There is nothing wrong with being black and I feel like in today’s society, being black is bad. Being black is not bad, it is beautiful. I try as best as I can to embrace who I am and what I am. I tell my white friends “I do a lot of things like you but I am still black.”

I love my friends, all of them and I don’t want them to take this the wrong way but don’t call me white and don’t say I talk white. I cannot talk and be something I am not. I’m tired of hearing it.

A good percentage of my family lives in New York. Because of this, we don’t speak the same and even they say I talk so white. Like I said before, are black people not allowed to speak in an educated way? They say this in almost every conversation. Like i get it, thats not how people here talk but it is how I talk because of where I grew up. To my family, I love y’all but I am just as black as you.

This post was really jumbled because there are so many thoughts flying around in my head but I just wanted to let people that I am black, and I am beautiful and I am a person. And i feel like we shouldn’t judge each other by race. Just love me and thats all I need you to do. I hope that you have a clearer view of who I am and who I am not. I am black. That is all for now. Remember to be happy.

Zaria 🙂

 

 

Quotes and Scriptures that I like

I am so infatuated with quotes and scriptures. I love how they can put my feelings into words. I love that two people can read a quote and it can mean two different things to them. I love how powerful one quote can be to someone’s life. They are just words, but the way they are strung together makes me believe in something. I thought I would share with you guys a few quotes I have seen recently and previously that I really love. Enjoy.

“Live passionately and sincerely.”

“wild heart, brave enough to love, strong enough to remain loyal. She’s what’s best for your soul, she’s the kind of woman you fight for.” –r.h Sin

“For I know the plans I have for you.” –Jeremiah 29:11

“Love yourself first.”

“Mightier than the waves of the seas is His love for you.” –Psalm 93:4

“I am complete in Him.” Colossians 2:10

“Let all you do be done in love.” -1 Corinthians 16:14

“You are beautiful for you are fearfully and wonderfully made.” –Psalm 139:14

“Blessed is she who believed that the Lord would fulfill His promises to her.” –Luke 1:45

“God is within her, she will not fail.” –Psalm 46:5

“Choose yourself.”

“Don’t just be like the rest of them, love.”

“May I never forget, on my best day, that I need God as desperately as I did on my worst day.”

“Light up the night, wild one. Your smile is going to save someone’s life.” Erin Van Vuren

“I am going to make everything around me beautiful- that will be my life.” – Elsie de Wolf

“Love yourself enough to walk away.” –r.h. Sin

“Feel it. That thing you don’t want to feel. Feel it, and be free.” –Nayyirah Waheed

“God said: “Because of where I’m taking you, there are people from your past coming back to you. Be careful. I’ve already shown you who they are.””

“Do not try to be pretty. You weren’t meant to be pretty; you were meant to burn down the earth and graffiti the sky. Don’t let anyone ever simplify you to just ‘pretty’”

“Your faith has got to be stronger than your fear.”

“Be happy.”

Social media hiatus

I feel like so much of my life is consumed by social media. I don’t like that. I am not concentrating on school work the way I want to because I’m scrolling through Instagram.

With that being said, I am taking a break. I want to have more time to do my work and find other things to occupy my time. I hope to start working out or blog more. Whatever can fill that gap so that when I get back on social media, I am not relying on it for entertainment.

I will still be blogging but I will not be on Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, or Snapchat. I’m not going to tell anyone other than my good friends and I will have my god sister run my snapchat for me.

What I hope to gain from this experience is a better understanding of myself. I think that I spend way too much time with my face in my phone. I will also not be taking pictures unless it is for class. I am going to try and explore the emotion behind the moment. Enjoy the moment I am in without documenting it. I can document it into my memories. I feel like my life is flying by so quickly and I want to be able to say that I enjoyed it. Very short today because I just wanted to explain my hiatus. That is all for now. Remember to be happy.

Zaria 🙂

To my best friend who is no longer my best friend

Hi.

It’s been too long.

I miss you a whole lot.

As you age, you will get those friends who are permanent and you will get those not so permanent friends. Sadly, you ended up being not so permanent for reasons that make sense, but it took me so long to fully realize that we would never be the way we were before. So long to realize that we really had drifted apart. This tore me up inside. You were the one best friend I expected to be around forever.  I just hate that word, forever. It gives you some sort of false hope that things will remain a constant in your life. And maybe we will drift back into each other’s lives but I just don’t see it. I used to joke about how I stole you from your old best friend. Then it happened to me and I could no longer joke.

Throughout all of my high school years, with an exception of my senior year, you were there. You were there through all the hardships and all the laughter. You were there to be that reminder that I was being stupid and making stupid decisions. You would listen to my complaining and then give me advice that I didn’t always agree with, but I always listened. I appreciated having you there.

Things don’t always go the way we plan and I would like to say it’s for the better but losing you was one of the greatest losses I had ever experienced. No one would have ever expected it to go this way, but it’s okay. You were and still are one of the most genuine, kind, and selfless people I know. Thank you for being you.

I just want to say I’m sorry. I’m sorry that we grew apart. Even though I took it very hard, I saw it coming. We both did. I feel like it was my fault because I kind of pushed you away. After you left, I stopped prioritizing our friendship because I knew it would be too hard. I stopped putting in that extra 10% to call or to text. But so did you. I know you were busy but people make time for what they want and the sooner I realized it the quicker I learned that it just wasn’t worth it.

You were, by far, the best part of my past. I will look back on our friendship and hope that one day my kids will have a friendship as special as ours.

Our memories used to hurt, but now I enjoy going through the pictures. You are such an amazing person and I honestly wish you the best in whatever you do. I know that you are going to accomplish some big things and that your life will be nothing short of spectacular.

I feel like I can’t even call you my ex-best friend because it just doesn’t feel right. Our friendship didn’t end in a fight, we just drifted. I still text and call you sometimes and I often don’t get a reply but I have come to terms with it. I will always be your friend though and I want you to know that no matter how much time passes I will always be there for you.

I may not understand your quirky gestures or be the person you tell everything to anymore but that it okay. I had my time as your best friend and now someone else will be blessed with the sunshine that comes with you. You have impacted my life in such a positive way and I am forever grateful to have known you.

Thank you for the memories. Thank you for the crazy pictures. Thank you for being my shoulder to cry on. Thank you for giving me a second family. Thank you for the endless laughs. And thank you for being my best friend. Remember to be happy.

With all my love,

Zaria 🙂

Don’t be afraid to fall, you absolutely deserve love

Love.

When you hear that word, what do you think of?

Is there a vision in your head of the perfect love?

You deserve THAT love. You absolutely deserve to be loved. Many people my age get into a relationship with people who aren’t good for them. People who don’t help them grow or be the best they can be. That’s not the love you should look for and you should remove yourself from the situation. And when you do, do not be afraid to fall in love again.

Fall, and fall hard because love is so amazing. I have seen love change people for the better and the worst but through all of that I still believe in the power of love. I still believe that one day I will find the perfect love for me. I will find that person who loves me for everything that I am and everything that I’m not. I am not looking for someone to complete me because I am already whole. I am looking for someone to compliment me. To go along with in this crazy journey called life.

I have such a big heart and I often love too much. But is there really such thing as too much love? Your love is only too much for the wrong person.  I am a big quote reader and I was going down my Instagram feed and I saw this quote and it said ” She’s a simple woman, made to look complicated by a man who isn’t man enough to provide the things she deserves…” I just really love this quote because it reminds me that I will be enough for someone one day.

One thing I have noticed that is wrong with this generation is that we don’t see our worth. We don’t see that we deserve everything we are looking for. If you don’t know your worth, you will not get that perfect love. It’s impossible. You will keep settling for less than you deserve and you will always fall into the arms of the wrong love.

Be yourself and love yourself and the right person for you will come to you and it will be incredible, so fall. I am currently trying to be okay with the idea of falling myself. I am a little afraid to love because who wants to be hurt again. I deserve my perfect love though. I know that I should just take my own advice but it’s much easier said than done. I know my worth and I know what I deserve and so I’m just waiting for the right time. It will come and I’m not going to rush it. Neither should you. Wait for that perfect love because it’s coming.

That is all for now. Remember to be happy.

Zaria 🙂

STRESSED!!!!

Do you ever have those days where you just feel a lot more stressed than usual? I am sure you have. Well, today is one of those days for me! It isn’t that I have a lot of work to do. I just have a lot of work to do. The work isn’t due for another two weeks but I am thinking about it all at once. I do this very often! I shouldn’t because it isn’t as serious as I’m making it but I’m freaking out. I want to scream so loud! This is the last month of my first semester of college and I really want to do well and so I feel like I’m putting a lot of pressure on myself to well. Maybe too much pressure but if I don’t I won’t think I will not get anything done.

I feel like on the days when I am feeling especially stressed I get really annoyed with everything and everyone. I usually take it out on my best friend. He really hates it but he takes it and tells me to stop being crazy. I am really grateful for him for being so easy on me. Today I had to pay my key replacement fee. It should not have been as difficult as it was but I believe that was the climax of my stress! I had an access loan that did not go through and it was showing on my account so I was unable to pay the fee. The people at the bursary office told me to call the financial aid office and I really don’t like that. I called the financial aid office to talk about the access loan that did not go through and the lady on the other side of the phone must have been having a bad day too. She was so rude. I wasn’t being rude, I was just trying to get my stuff together and she was really giving it to me! I reacted in a polite way and just explained to her the situation but she was making me feel like I didn’t know what I was talking about when I definitely knew what I was talking about. I never got a direct solution to my problem by the way. I don’t understand why people  who answer the phone, get so angry. For one, you are here to help me so just do your job and we can get this over with. And two, please trust me when I say I don’t want to be talking to you either. I would not have called if I didn’t need your help.

I’m really just complaining about things but writing makes it so easy. I was feeling okay before this happened and I’m sure the rest of my day will be just fine but right now I am feeling super frustrated. One other thing that has been really stressing me out lately is social media. I have friends that will send me links to things or certain posts and when I am trying to get things done they all come in at once. I don’t really mind it that much but when I feel frustrated it’s too much. I know I could just turn my phone off or mute my notifications but I don’t want to have to do that because it isn’t that serious.

I am a really nice person who likes to do nice things so I hold the doors for people around school. No one says thank you around here, like I am taking time out of my very busy and stressful day to hold the door for you and you walk right past me,say absolutely nothing, and give me a dirty look.

This day wasn’t all crappy. I got a package from my dad and it included spandex. I have really been needing some because it is very hot and windy in the town where my college is and I wear a lot of dresses. They aren’t really that short but if the wind picks up, my dress flies with it. I just so happen to be wearing a dress today and so I slipped on the handy dandy spandex and kept it pushing. I honestly tend to look for the good in every situation, most times it works but I get myself so worked up. I am going to try to find the good in this situation though. Maybe my frustration with school is a mini wakeup call to get my, for lack of better words, shit together.(sorry mom and dad) I don’t like to wallow in self pity because ugh how gross. It just makes me feel bad. So, I will say, I will have a better day tomorrow and have that be the end of it. That is all for now. Remember to be happy.

Zaria 🙂