January 29th, 2017-RIP Jkobi <3

This probably won’t be that long I just felt like I needed to write today. It is currently 11:45am  where I am and I woke up to the news that my best friend’s step brother was murdered. I have no words for what I feel right now. He was my age. He graduated in my class and was doing the same thing we are all doing at this age, figuring out what the heck we are going to do in this life. Sadly, he won’t get to experience all of the beautiful things this life has to offer and that really sucks. He wasn’t perfect, none of us are, but he was a good kid and it hurts my heart to know he is gone. Any time I talked to him he always had something for me to laugh about. He really was a special person.

All I can think about when I think about this situation is, that could have been my best friend. I hate that this is the way I’m thinking but it is true. He had just talked to him yesterday morning. He could have been with him. This could have easily been my best friend who I talk to every day and who I share my whole life with. Life is way too short. Tell your friends you love them. Appreciate the little time you have with the people in your life because you never know when the last day will be.

What is going on in this world? Such a cruel place where people are being killed every day. All I can do is pray for the world. Please keep my friend’s family in your prayers.

Remember to be happy.

Zaria 🙂

untitled bc why not.

paif9464

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

mlkb5842

vieb0220

 

img_0575

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

So

 

So looking at those picture you might think “wow Zaria you were so skinny” and yeah I really was but when I look at those pictures all I see is a young girl who starved herself for “perfection”and still hated herself anyways. I see a girl who had just gotten out of a really bad relationship that probably would have ended so much worse if she had stayed. I have a love hate relationship with those photos because I was so skinny and my body was so nice but I was very unhappy. During my sophomore year of high school I lost a significant amount of weight and still felt like it wasn’t enough. You grow up in this town with all these pretty little skinny girls and thats what you want to be, pretty and skinny. I started dated this boy who wasn’t good for me and I thought I needed to be pretty and skinny, for him, of all people. Not for myself but for him. This is the reality for so many girls in all parts of the world. You need to be skinny to be pretty and you need to wear a size 3 jeans but what they don’t tell you is that all of that is unrealistic. Even though I weighed 125 pounds I still didn’t fit into those size 3 jeans. So imagine if I tried to lose more weight to fit into size 3 jeans. I would be non-existent. I hated so many parts of myself for reasons I couldn’t even explain to you anymore because all of the things I used to hate about myself, I now love. I love that I am not skin and bones and can still rock a crop top. I love that in the summer, regardless of my thick thighs, I strut around in shorts and a bikini. (and yes, thick thighs do save lives, if you were wondering) Now I’m not knocking those of you who are naturally skinny because your body is beautiful too. Im just letting y’all know that even though I have a few rolls, my body is beautiful as well and I am so happy to be able to love my body. I can’t even begin to explain the feeling when I finally began to love myself. When I finally realized that I look damn good. I am so happy with who I am and the way I look. Although you may hear me say that I need to lose a little weight sometimes, know that that is no longer to be skinny, it’s to be healthy. I can’t even imagine hating my body anymore because this body lets me do amazing things. I don’t have a six pack and I don’t really have much muscle but I am happy with the way I look and isn’t that the bottom line? Isn’t that what we should strive for, to be happy with the way we look? The pictures underneath this post are pictures of what I look like now. I am healthy and I am happy. I really can’t give all the credit to myself for getting to this point because I have some really amazing friends who pulled me from a dark, hateful place. My friends have never made me feel like I wasn’t enough. I also have God to thank because without Him I honestly have no idea where I would be.I had no idea of the true love of God until I started trusting in his plan for my life. I grew closer to Him during this time because I needed something greater than myself to heal the hurt I was feeling and I’m really glad I did.

A few verses that helped me then and still continue to help me are Romans 8:18 which says “The pain that you have been feeling cannot compare to the joy that is coming.”, Ephesians 2:19-22 which says “Whenever you feel unloved, unimportant, or insecure, remember to whom you belong.”, and Proverbs 3:5-6 which says “Trust in the Lord with all you heart and lean not onto your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He shall direct your path.” I am immensely grateful for the love of God and that he has never left me. I am also so grateful for all of the blessings he has bestowed upon my life.

I am no longer sad. I no longer hate myself for things I can’t control and I no longer feel the need to be “skinny and pretty”. I am in love with every part of myself and I hope that you are too. What I really want for you all, is for you to be happy with who you are and with how you look. Don’t strive to be what other people want you to be because if you are happy with yourself no one can really tell you anything. Be happy. In every aspect of your life, be happy.

Zaria 🙂

img_8623

img_7902

 

img_7958

img_8927

 

 

 

 

 

 

you don’t deserve me: an open letter to you

This blog would be nothing if it wasn’t completely raw so this post is going to be a little much for me.

“The thing you are afraid to write, write that.”

I am only 18 and I know that there will be plenty more guys to be graced with my presence but there is one who I can’t seem to get out of my head.

This is for you. The you that no longer deserves to be in the back of my mind and the you that after all of this time still controls so much of my life. It’s always you and even when I don’t want it to be you, it’s you. For the past 5 years you have been in and out of my life and I deserve stability and consistency. I deserve so much better, yet all I wanted was you but you don’t deserve me anymore and so I’m going to go. I know what I deserve and I know that it is not what you are bringing to the table. So I’m done. And that feels so good to say. For so long, I kept trying and trying with you but it was clear that you just weren’t going to change and that’s okay. I now know that if it was meant to be, it wouldn’t be this hard and I wouldn’t be the only one trying. I love you but I have to do this for me. For the me that I want to be in the future and for the me that I want my kids to look up to. I have to leave you in the past so I can really move on and become as free as I try to seem all the time. A little part of me wants to keep trying but the other parts of me understand that it’s not worth it anymore.

I shouldn’t have to wait around for you to do and be better because there will be someone out there who is willing to give me all you did and more. I let you be a little boy and do your thing, but you’re a man now and you need to grow up. We aren’t little kids. I know that you have some type of feelings towards me and that you are afraid and hurting but I feel like that doesn’t excuse your actions because love is greater. You can’t force people to do what you want them to do and so I’m leaving for myself. Not because I don’t love you but because I love myself more. Countless times I have asked God to remove the toxic people from my life and somehow you always end up back in my corner but I’m tired of that and maybe you will come back when you get it together but I won’t be there because I’m done waiting.

And honestly I think it’s sad that you know a girl is so down for you yet you can’t get it together. I ask about your friends and I ask about your family and how you are doing and school and all of these things and still that isn’t enough. I guess it is true what people say, you can’t keep a man that doesn’t want to be kept. That made no sense to me, but now it does, because even though I hold you to a higher degree you let me down every time. It’s embarrassing really because you think you have something good going and then you realize you don’t and maybe I’m the dumb one for sticking around and maybe I should have left a long time ago but I’m too nice of a person and I often forget that not everyone has the same heart as me. I have to know the difference between being patient and wasting my time. And I’m wasting my time.

Maybe we have different definitions of love and that really is okay because now I can go find what I’m looking for. I can go find someone who will care just as much as me and put in that extra effort to make sure that I know I am loved. Not like I need someone to love me or to know that I am loved but it would be nice to have someone there. I’m done having you make me a hobby. I’m better than that.

Forgiveness is something I strongly believe in and so I’m forgiving you for all that you don’t even know you did. I  want to thank you for showing me who you really are. I want to thank you for showing me love. It wasn’t always hard but when it was hard, it was really hard. I want to thank you for showing me that I have the capabilities of loving someone so much that it hurts me. I want to thank you for the kind words and the compassion I felt at times. I want to thank you for finally making me realize that I deserve more. I forgive you for the hurt you caused me and I forgive you for not realizing that I was so down for you. I like to think I was the one sent to teach you that, yes, eventually good girls do leave.

I hope that for the rest of your life you don’t live with this guilt and I hope that you end up happy. I hope that whoever is next gets treated so much better than me. I also hope that you don’t come back into my life. That may seem so harsh but after so long I just don’t even need that because I know how good of a heart I have and I know that I might go back and I don’t want to anymore. So I say thank you and goodbye.

Remember to be happy.

Zaria 🙂

Last day of the year

Hey friends, so this is the last day of the year and really all I can say is that I am grateful. I am so grateful to be alive and so grateful to be happy and to be around people who make me a better person. I am just so happy with my life and the way it is going and I’m looking forward to many more blessings in 2017. I am so excited for the new year. I am excited for more opportunities to do and be the best person I can be and I’m so excited to start this new chapter of my life. This year hasn’t been the best for some people but I really had a good year. This year I found out more about myself and was able to live a truly happy life. There were some hard parts but nothing I couldn’t overcome. This year I refused to let the little things get to me because I deserve to be happy. And so do you. Just because today is bad does not mean it is a bad life. You can turn it around tomorrow. Tomorrow isn’t always guaranteed though and so you should find the good in every situation. There is always some good and if you just look deep down you will find it. I wanted to share with you all a few things I learned about myself and others in 2016.

– People are so stupid

– No one is who you think they are

– I am so happy

– I need my friends and family more than I think

– Graduating high school was such an amazing experience

– Go big or go home

– Your parents will always be your biggest supporters

– Blogging is harder than I thought

– People are going to judge you for everything so do whatever makes you happy

– Everyone is not your friend

– Be kind

– I love wine more than I should

– People are so money hungry

– it is okay to be sad even when you are a happy person

– it’s okay to cry when you feel sad

– I’m so young and I don’t need to have everything together yet

– listen to understand not to reply

– put your phone down

– you don’t need a picture of everything, sometimes the memory is enough

– I really like concerts

– anyone who does not respect me does not deserve my heart

– not everyone deserves to get to know me

– do not be sorry for being yourself or saying what you feel

– never apologize for things that are not your fault

– not everyone will like you and that’s okay

– you don’t have to cry at funerals if you aren’t sad

– I really don’t like worrying about people more than they worry about themselves but I do anyways

– The people in this country voted for Donald Trump to be our president…. For 4 years….

– not everything deserves a reaction

– don’t be afraid to say what you are feeling

-buy a good case for your phone

– I’m always sick and I should probably take vitamins

– people are really depressing and it impacts my mood sometimes

– I can’t fix everyone

-I freaking love Chipotle

– I also love boxers

– college is great

– I like to be by myself a lot more these days

– I’m a bad gift receiver

– I have the best people in my life

– do not disturb is magic

– I’m afraid to not be happy

– don’t let your circumstances make you hard

– what you do matters

– you cannot force someone to stay in your life, if they want to leave, let them go

– its ok to not be okay

– God is so good

Okay so I could honestly go on forever because I’ve learned so much about myself this year. I love that every year brings new lessons! I hope this new year will be better for those of you who felt like 2016 was terrible and that it brings everyone nothing but happiness. I hope that everyone learns to love themselves a little more and be content with what they have rather than what they could or don’t have. The one thing I wish for you is many blessings and positivity in 2017. I love you guys so much!

That is all for now, until next year. Remember to be happy.

Zaria 🙂