you don’t deserve me: an open letter to you

This blog would be nothing if it wasn’t completely raw so this post is going to be a little much for me.

“The thing you are afraid to write, write that.”

I am only 18 and I know that there will be plenty more guys to be graced with my presence but there is one who I can’t seem to get out of my head.

This is for you. The you that no longer deserves to be in the back of my mind and the you that after all of this time still controls so much of my life. It’s always you and even when I don’t want it to be you, it’s you. For the past 5 years you have been in and out of my life and I deserve stability and consistency. I deserve so much better, yet all I wanted was you but you don’t deserve me anymore and so I’m going to go. I know what I deserve and I know that it is not what you are bringing to the table. So I’m done. And that feels so good to say. For so long, I kept trying and trying with you but it was clear that you just weren’t going to change and that’s okay. I now know that if it was meant to be, it wouldn’t be this hard and I wouldn’t be the only one trying. I love you but I have to do this for me. For the me that I want to be in the future and for the me that I want my kids to look up to. I have to leave you in the past so I can really move on and become as free as I try to seem all the time. A little part of me wants to keep trying but the other parts of me understand that it’s not worth it anymore.

I shouldn’t have to wait around for you to do and be better because there will be someone out there who is willing to give me all you did and more. I let you be a little boy and do your thing, but you’re a man now and you need to grow up. We aren’t little kids. I know that you have some type of feelings towards me and that you are afraid and hurting but I feel like that doesn’t excuse your actions because love is greater. You can’t force people to do what you want them to do and so I’m leaving for myself. Not because I don’t love you but because I love myself more. Countless times I have asked God to remove the toxic people from my life and somehow you always end up back in my corner but I’m tired of that and maybe you will come back when you get it together but I won’t be there because I’m done waiting.

And honestly I think it’s sad that you know a girl is so down for you yet you can’t get it together. I ask about your friends and I ask about your family and how you are doing and school and all of these things and still that isn’t enough. I guess it is true what people say, you can’t keep a man that doesn’t want to be kept. That made no sense to me, but now it does, because even though I hold you to a higher degree you let me down every time. It’s embarrassing really because you think you have something good going and then you realize you don’t and maybe I’m the dumb one for sticking around and maybe I should have left a long time ago but I’m too nice of a person and I often forget that not everyone has the same heart as me. I have to know the difference between being patient and wasting my time. And I’m wasting my time.

Maybe we have different definitions of love and that really is okay because now I can go find what I’m looking for. I can go find someone who will care just as much as me and put in that extra effort to make sure that I know I am loved. Not like I need someone to love me or to know that I am loved but it would be nice to have someone there. I’m done having you make me a hobby. I’m better than that.

Forgiveness is something I strongly believe in and so I’m forgiving you for all that you don’t even know you did. I  want to thank you for showing me who you really are. I want to thank you for showing me love. It wasn’t always hard but when it was hard, it was really hard. I want to thank you for showing me that I have the capabilities of loving someone so much that it hurts me. I want to thank you for the kind words and the compassion I felt at times. I want to thank you for finally making me realize that I deserve more. I forgive you for the hurt you caused me and I forgive you for not realizing that I was so down for you. I like to think I was the one sent to teach you that, yes, eventually good girls do leave.

I hope that for the rest of your life you don’t live with this guilt and I hope that you end up happy. I hope that whoever is next gets treated so much better than me. I also hope that you don’t come back into my life. That may seem so harsh but after so long I just don’t even need that because I know how good of a heart I have and I know that I might go back and I don’t want to anymore. So I say thank you and goodbye.

Remember to be happy.

Zaria 🙂

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