lol hi, I’m still here, I promise

wow, it has been a long 3 months but I’m finally done with my second semester. I am ready to get back into the swing of things, this is going to keep me track with what i need to be doing. I am working a bit this summer but I will try to stay as updated as possible with my content. This first year of college had its ups and downs but i will definitely be back next semester. I am excited about what is to come in my life. I will more than likely be posting today or tomorrow. Please stay tuned.

Remember to be happy.

Zaria 🙂

 

To my nana: Happy Birthday

This is to you, because ten years is a long time without you.

Today is your birthday and I don’t want to be sad but both you and I know that is hard for me. You would have 91 today and I would give absolutely anything in this world to hear your voice again. I don’t even remember what it sounds like. I don’t remember a lot of things but I do remember how much you loved me. If I knew I was only going to have eight years with you then I would have cherished them so much more, but I was young. I don’t have any pictures with you, no videos, just memories and even those fail me at times.

The closest thing I have is my mom. I see you through her every day. When she sings, when she talks, everything and I am so grateful for that. I hope you are somewhere in heaven looking down on me proudly. I hope I haven’t failed you. I am not perfect but I do try my best. I wish you could see how far I have come and how much I have accomplished. I wish I could hold your hand and complain about you always holding tissues. I wish I could lay in your crumb filled bed and watch soap operas all day. I didn’t ever think these small things would be so big in ten years.

The one thing I always remember you saying is “love each other”. Whether that was my family or friends you always told me to love and I do just that. I every aspect of my life, I love. I will forever miss running down the street from you while you ran after me with a glass of water and your cane. I want you to know that a big part of who I am is because of you. A lot of things have changed since you have been gone but one thing remains and that is my love for you. I love you so much and I miss you more than you could know and I know that one day we will meet again. I thank God every day that he chose me to be your granddaughter. For that, I am forever grateful. Sleep peacefully Annie Ruth.

Happy Birthday!

Zaria 🙂

January 29th, 2017-RIP Jkobi <3

This probably won’t be that long I just felt like I needed to write today. It is currently 11:45am  where I am and I woke up to the news that my best friend’s step brother was murdered. I have no words for what I feel right now. He was my age. He graduated in my class and was doing the same thing we are all doing at this age, figuring out what the heck we are going to do in this life. Sadly, he won’t get to experience all of the beautiful things this life has to offer and that really sucks. He wasn’t perfect, none of us are, but he was a good kid and it hurts my heart to know he is gone. Any time I talked to him he always had something for me to laugh about. He really was a special person.

All I can think about when I think about this situation is, that could have been my best friend. I hate that this is the way I’m thinking but it is true. He had just talked to him yesterday morning. He could have been with him. This could have easily been my best friend who I talk to every day and who I share my whole life with. Life is way too short. Tell your friends you love them. Appreciate the little time you have with the people in your life because you never know when the last day will be.

What is going on in this world? Such a cruel place where people are being killed every day. All I can do is pray for the world. Please keep my friend’s family in your prayers.

Remember to be happy.

Zaria 🙂

untitled bc why not.

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So looking at those picture you might think “wow Zaria you were so skinny” and yeah I really was but when I look at those pictures all I see is a young girl who starved herself for “perfection”and still hated herself anyways. I see a girl who had just gotten out of a really bad relationship that probably would have ended so much worse if she had stayed. I have a love hate relationship with those photos because I was so skinny and my body was so nice but I was very unhappy. During my sophomore year of high school I lost a significant amount of weight and still felt like it wasn’t enough. You grow up in this town with all these pretty little skinny girls and thats what you want to be, pretty and skinny. I started dated this boy who wasn’t good for me and I thought I needed to be pretty and skinny, for him, of all people. Not for myself but for him. This is the reality for so many girls in all parts of the world. You need to be skinny to be pretty and you need to wear a size 3 jeans but what they don’t tell you is that all of that is unrealistic. Even though I weighed 125 pounds I still didn’t fit into those size 3 jeans. So imagine if I tried to lose more weight to fit into size 3 jeans. I would be non-existent. I hated so many parts of myself for reasons I couldn’t even explain to you anymore because all of the things I used to hate about myself, I now love. I love that I am not skin and bones and can still rock a crop top. I love that in the summer, regardless of my thick thighs, I strut around in shorts and a bikini. (and yes, thick thighs do save lives, if you were wondering) Now I’m not knocking those of you who are naturally skinny because your body is beautiful too. Im just letting y’all know that even though I have a few rolls, my body is beautiful as well and I am so happy to be able to love my body. I can’t even begin to explain the feeling when I finally began to love myself. When I finally realized that I look damn good. I am so happy with who I am and the way I look. Although you may hear me say that I need to lose a little weight sometimes, know that that is no longer to be skinny, it’s to be healthy. I can’t even imagine hating my body anymore because this body lets me do amazing things. I don’t have a six pack and I don’t really have much muscle but I am happy with the way I look and isn’t that the bottom line? Isn’t that what we should strive for, to be happy with the way we look? The pictures underneath this post are pictures of what I look like now. I am healthy and I am happy. I really can’t give all the credit to myself for getting to this point because I have some really amazing friends who pulled me from a dark, hateful place. My friends have never made me feel like I wasn’t enough. I also have God to thank because without Him I honestly have no idea where I would be.I had no idea of the true love of God until I started trusting in his plan for my life. I grew closer to Him during this time because I needed something greater than myself to heal the hurt I was feeling and I’m really glad I did.

A few verses that helped me then and still continue to help me are Romans 8:18 which says “The pain that you have been feeling cannot compare to the joy that is coming.”, Ephesians 2:19-22 which says “Whenever you feel unloved, unimportant, or insecure, remember to whom you belong.”, and Proverbs 3:5-6 which says “Trust in the Lord with all you heart and lean not onto your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He shall direct your path.” I am immensely grateful for the love of God and that he has never left me. I am also so grateful for all of the blessings he has bestowed upon my life.

I am no longer sad. I no longer hate myself for things I can’t control and I no longer feel the need to be “skinny and pretty”. I am in love with every part of myself and I hope that you are too. What I really want for you all, is for you to be happy with who you are and with how you look. Don’t strive to be what other people want you to be because if you are happy with yourself no one can really tell you anything. Be happy. In every aspect of your life, be happy.

Zaria 🙂

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you don’t deserve me: an open letter to you

This blog would be nothing if it wasn’t completely raw so this post is going to be a little much for me.

“The thing you are afraid to write, write that.”

I am only 18 and I know that there will be plenty more guys to be graced with my presence but there is one who I can’t seem to get out of my head.

This is for you. The you that no longer deserves to be in the back of my mind and the you that after all of this time still controls so much of my life. It’s always you and even when I don’t want it to be you, it’s you. For the past 5 years you have been in and out of my life and I deserve stability and consistency. I deserve so much better, yet all I wanted was you but you don’t deserve me anymore and so I’m going to go. I know what I deserve and I know that it is not what you are bringing to the table. So I’m done. And that feels so good to say. For so long, I kept trying and trying with you but it was clear that you just weren’t going to change and that’s okay. I now know that if it was meant to be, it wouldn’t be this hard and I wouldn’t be the only one trying. I love you but I have to do this for me. For the me that I want to be in the future and for the me that I want my kids to look up to. I have to leave you in the past so I can really move on and become as free as I try to seem all the time. A little part of me wants to keep trying but the other parts of me understand that it’s not worth it anymore.

I shouldn’t have to wait around for you to do and be better because there will be someone out there who is willing to give me all you did and more. I let you be a little boy and do your thing, but you’re a man now and you need to grow up. We aren’t little kids. I know that you have some type of feelings towards me and that you are afraid and hurting but I feel like that doesn’t excuse your actions because love is greater. You can’t force people to do what you want them to do and so I’m leaving for myself. Not because I don’t love you but because I love myself more. Countless times I have asked God to remove the toxic people from my life and somehow you always end up back in my corner but I’m tired of that and maybe you will come back when you get it together but I won’t be there because I’m done waiting.

And honestly I think it’s sad that you know a girl is so down for you yet you can’t get it together. I ask about your friends and I ask about your family and how you are doing and school and all of these things and still that isn’t enough. I guess it is true what people say, you can’t keep a man that doesn’t want to be kept. That made no sense to me, but now it does, because even though I hold you to a higher degree you let me down every time. It’s embarrassing really because you think you have something good going and then you realize you don’t and maybe I’m the dumb one for sticking around and maybe I should have left a long time ago but I’m too nice of a person and I often forget that not everyone has the same heart as me. I have to know the difference between being patient and wasting my time. And I’m wasting my time.

Maybe we have different definitions of love and that really is okay because now I can go find what I’m looking for. I can go find someone who will care just as much as me and put in that extra effort to make sure that I know I am loved. Not like I need someone to love me or to know that I am loved but it would be nice to have someone there. I’m done having you make me a hobby. I’m better than that.

Forgiveness is something I strongly believe in and so I’m forgiving you for all that you don’t even know you did. I  want to thank you for showing me who you really are. I want to thank you for showing me love. It wasn’t always hard but when it was hard, it was really hard. I want to thank you for showing me that I have the capabilities of loving someone so much that it hurts me. I want to thank you for the kind words and the compassion I felt at times. I want to thank you for finally making me realize that I deserve more. I forgive you for the hurt you caused me and I forgive you for not realizing that I was so down for you. I like to think I was the one sent to teach you that, yes, eventually good girls do leave.

I hope that for the rest of your life you don’t live with this guilt and I hope that you end up happy. I hope that whoever is next gets treated so much better than me. I also hope that you don’t come back into my life. That may seem so harsh but after so long I just don’t even need that because I know how good of a heart I have and I know that I might go back and I don’t want to anymore. So I say thank you and goodbye.

Remember to be happy.

Zaria 🙂

Last day of the year

Hey friends, so this is the last day of the year and really all I can say is that I am grateful. I am so grateful to be alive and so grateful to be happy and to be around people who make me a better person. I am just so happy with my life and the way it is going and I’m looking forward to many more blessings in 2017. I am so excited for the new year. I am excited for more opportunities to do and be the best person I can be and I’m so excited to start this new chapter of my life. This year hasn’t been the best for some people but I really had a good year. This year I found out more about myself and was able to live a truly happy life. There were some hard parts but nothing I couldn’t overcome. This year I refused to let the little things get to me because I deserve to be happy. And so do you. Just because today is bad does not mean it is a bad life. You can turn it around tomorrow. Tomorrow isn’t always guaranteed though and so you should find the good in every situation. There is always some good and if you just look deep down you will find it. I wanted to share with you all a few things I learned about myself and others in 2016.

– People are so stupid

– No one is who you think they are

– I am so happy

– I need my friends and family more than I think

– Graduating high school was such an amazing experience

– Go big or go home

– Your parents will always be your biggest supporters

– Blogging is harder than I thought

– People are going to judge you for everything so do whatever makes you happy

– Everyone is not your friend

– Be kind

– I love wine more than I should

– People are so money hungry

– it is okay to be sad even when you are a happy person

– it’s okay to cry when you feel sad

– I’m so young and I don’t need to have everything together yet

– listen to understand not to reply

– put your phone down

– you don’t need a picture of everything, sometimes the memory is enough

– I really like concerts

– anyone who does not respect me does not deserve my heart

– not everyone deserves to get to know me

– do not be sorry for being yourself or saying what you feel

– never apologize for things that are not your fault

– not everyone will like you and that’s okay

– you don’t have to cry at funerals if you aren’t sad

– I really don’t like worrying about people more than they worry about themselves but I do anyways

– The people in this country voted for Donald Trump to be our president…. For 4 years….

– not everything deserves a reaction

– don’t be afraid to say what you are feeling

-buy a good case for your phone

– I’m always sick and I should probably take vitamins

– people are really depressing and it impacts my mood sometimes

– I can’t fix everyone

-I freaking love Chipotle

– I also love boxers

– college is great

– I like to be by myself a lot more these days

– I’m a bad gift receiver

– I have the best people in my life

– do not disturb is magic

– I’m afraid to not be happy

– don’t let your circumstances make you hard

– what you do matters

– you cannot force someone to stay in your life, if they want to leave, let them go

– its ok to not be okay

– God is so good

Okay so I could honestly go on forever because I’ve learned so much about myself this year. I love that every year brings new lessons! I hope this new year will be better for those of you who felt like 2016 was terrible and that it brings everyone nothing but happiness. I hope that everyone learns to love themselves a little more and be content with what they have rather than what they could or don’t have. The one thing I wish for you is many blessings and positivity in 2017. I love you guys so much!

That is all for now, until next year. Remember to be happy.

Zaria 🙂

Holiday review

I am terrible and I have been so busy with work and the holidays and so I won’t make any open promises. But I will try to blog while I can.

Anyways as you all know Christmas was a couple of days ago and this Christmas was a lot better than last Christmas. Last Christmas I had so many expectations and I ended up being let down. I was expecting presents and that’s it. That’s not what Christmas is about. It’s about being with family and people who make you happy, it’s about giving and it’s about Jesus. I spent the first half of Christmas with my dad and I participated in a play at church and I had such a good time. I spent the second half with my mom and it was also very nice. I love that I was able to give the people in my life presents because honestly the looks on their faces and the joy I felt in my heart was far greater than the feeling I would get if I just received gifts. I did get gifts this year and I was grateful for them all but giving just feels so much better.

 

This Christmas like many others I have noticed that there are so many ungrateful people. People would don’t see how lucky they are just to have a roof over their heads and food on their plates. I really don’t understand how you could be angry that you didn’t get the gifts you want so much that it ruins your whole day. And then there are those people who get so much but get mad about what they are getting. I DON’T UNDERSTAND! I was just happy to be in my hometown and to be alive. There are people living on the streets who don’t even have food or a place to lay their heads and you are complaining about not getting presents. It’s really sad.

Also it makes me so sad when people get depressed around the holidays because there are people who have passed that are not there. I understand it’s sad that they are not there but there are other people in your life and they are there. Try to look at what you have and who is around you and find happiness in that. Find happiness is absolutely every situation even though it is hard to at the time. I wish I could heal the hurt in people’s hearts but I can’t help everyone.

I am aware that Christmas is not the only holiday celebrated at this time of the year so whatever you celebrate I hope it was successful and I hope that you had a great time with friends and family. I just want everyone to keep in mind that this season is one to be grateful. Don’t get so caught up in the presents and enjoy the real reason for your holiday. Its short today but I just wanted to tell you all how I was feeling. Happy Holidays to all of you and remember to be happy.

Zaria 🙂

What I have learned about college so far

As many of you may know I just finished my first semester of college and it isn’t always easy but it is so worth it. I finished the semester with 3 A’s and 2 B’s. Definitely could have been better but I’m not complaining too much. In the beginning of the semester I had no idea what I was doing, I just knew I didn’t want to be there. I cried for like the first 2 days straight and then for the next two weeks off and on. I was a mess. I didn’t leave my room unless I had to eat or go to class. I found myself only knowing four people and one of them was my roommate! Eventually, I got out of my funk and met some friends in my classes. I am doing fine now and I don’t lay in my bed and cry all day! But enough about that, I wanted to share with you guys what I’ve learned so far.

One big thing for me was friends. I didn’t know anyone there and I had no friends until the second month! I had this big idea that I was going to meet so many people my first week and establish my friend group! I was so wrong as I said before. The most important thing I learned from that was just do your own thing and friends will come. I learned to not be so pressed about making friends because everyone is also trying to figure out what they are doing. Also, I go to a pretty diverse school so there were plenty of people to choose from but I just wanted so sure. My dad and mom called me every day and their questions were:

“Did you make any friends?”

“Did you eat?”

“Did you leave the room?”

“Are you okay?”

I answered all except the last one truthfully because I didn’t want them to worry. I told them I was okay but I really wasn’t! I wanted to come home so bad! I now have a couple of friends and so it is not so bad! I am the type of person who really likes sitting in my room to chill but she makes me leave the room and actually participate in the world so that’s good.

Freshmen 15 is a real thing! If you don’t know what it is, it’s a supposed myth that people have that when you go to college that first year you will gain 15 pounds. I can attest to the fact that this is not a myth. Not everyone gains 15 pounds but those of us who sit on our butts and eat all day, like me, do. I really try to walk a little more and I say I’m going to work out but then I just don’t. We have a nice rec center and the town I go to college in has nice sidewalks but I would much rather catch up on sleep. Work out in college! And it is so easy to eat whatever you want or eat 2 packs of ramen but really don’t do that! It’s so bad for you. Not going to lie, I am guilty of eating absolutely anything I can get my hands on, but it’s so bad.

Another thing that I think is super self-explanatory is that you should study. Even if you don’t think you need to. Like you need to shut up and go study. Don’t study so much that you make yourself crazy but definitely study. I had to learn this the hard way. I was taking a sociology class and the first test was rolling around and I thought I will be fine; the information is common sense. I love that I was so wrong because I think I know everything sometimes. I got a 73 on the first test and that was a good little wake up call. I ended the semester with an A but what was I thinking?? And another thing is start studying early, because nine times out of ten the professor has already given you the information in the beginning of the semester. It won’t hurt to start early, trust me!

Okay so a lot of people think you can just not go to class for a couple days out of the semester and while I can agree that that everyone needs mental health days, you should always go to class. This semester I went to every class every day with an exception of the days I didn’t hear my alarm ring. (like 2 classes) But at the school I go to the attendance is a part of the grade. Even if it wasn’t I would go. It’s so important to go to class. Like you don’t want to miss anything because in high school it will be fine but in college you missed about a week of high school classes. Maybe more.

No one cares what you’re wearing. Like not as much as in high school. You can go to class with whatever on and everyone understands because we all know that maybe they were up late and they are just tired. I never really care what people say about my clothes but I like that in college they really don’t care.

So overall I had a good first semester and I’m really proud of myself. I can only go up from here and I have every intention to.

That is all for now. Remember to be happy.

Zaria 🙂

About being a woman

I have noticed so many things lately in the news and media about women and how we are treated and looked at in this society. This isn’t true for every guy but there are some guys who believe women are only pieces of meat that belong in the kitchen. This is not true at all. I really hate that we are perceived in that way. I am so much more than a piece of meat and a housewife. I wanted to share with you all a few of the things I have noticed about being a woman.

I guess I will start out with the “locker room banter”. This has been the new thing that excuses guys from talking about women in a demeaning way. I’m definitely not going for it. I do not think this excuses them from being nasty. Donald Trump said “grab them by the p—y”. He was talking about women, saying they let you do whatever you want. I would never want a guy to think that grabbing me anywhere is okay just because they want to. I have little cousins and god sisters who will grow up in a world where men think it’s okay to do whatever they want to them, without consent. I don’t think that is okay. Not every guy is like that, I know, but the fact that the future president of the United States says that it is okay is really troubling to me.

Bossy. Angry. Mean. Hard. Too smart for a girl. I’ve been called all these things and just because I’m a girl does that mean that I am not allowed to be intelligent and hard and know what I want for myself? I don’t think so, but this society seems to think that just because I’m a girl I need to “sit pretty” and let the world happen around me. I am hard and I know that I have to be hard in order for people to take me seriously and it shouldn’t be this way. And heck yeah I’m bossy, I know what I want and I will not settle for less. I am also smart and I’m not too smart for a girl, I’m just smart. I have no problem saying this because not many people can. In high school, most of my classes were on-level classes but I did have the occasional honors or advanced placement class that consisted of mostly white people. The guys in the classes would often get angry because they knew just as well as I did that I was smarter than them. In the beginning, this was a struggle for me because I didn’t necessarily like for people to not like me. I thought that I should try to tone it down and “sit pretty” like they wanted me to. This caused me to lack in participation in class and leave those kind of classes all together. My grades were still good I just didn’t let anyone know. Even in my on-level classes I had this problem. I remember distinctly, my junior year of high school in my literature class. The teacher would assign us vocabulary words and at the end of the week we would have a competition of who knew the words better, the guys or the girls. And of course, the girls won every week. I knew every definition and I was spitting them out faster than the guys could think about the word. Their jealousy and anger was made very clear in the remarks and gestures. I thought it was really funny! But I guess what I’m trying to say is don’t be afraid to be. Be bossy, be smart, be angry and be hard. You have every right to be absolutely anything you want to be! People are going to judge you anyways so you might as well be what you want to be. Another thing I have been told that I should be is ‘sexy’. I don’t have to be cute or pretty or sexy or anything for you. I am cute and pretty and sexy for myself. I do things for myself and I don’t need anyone’s input of what I should be.

On that note, I think I will touch on one last thing. That being a woman is hard. Society expects so much from you and you have to be this and you have to be that and I’m sick and tired of it. While it is hard it is so rewarding; it’s not all bad. There are so many good things about being a woman. I can be countless things; beautiful and smart and gentle and strong all at the same time. I love it. Women are so powerful! Women bring life into this world and do so in the most graceful way. All in all, I am immensely grateful to be a woman. I was on YouTube of course and watched this video of a spoken word poem by a girl who went to my high school. It’s called Lady Like and her name is Meghan Hughes. If you have any free time, go watch it. It’s really good and was my inspiration for this blog post. And as always, remember to be happy.

Zaria 🙂

jeez! I’m slacking

Okay so I know I’ve been gone for a while but school has been sooooo stressful and I keep getting sick. I am still blogging and I still have plenty of ideas. This next week is finals week and I am currently working on studying 300+ flashcards so bear with me. I hope you all had a fantastic Thanksgiving! I will be back blogging regularly on December 12th! I love you all and remember to be happy.

Zaria 🙂